Friday, November 18, 2011

Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill


Hehehehe.....

                                     INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a house call
                                                     

13 comments:

Grace said...

Oh I love that - it's an oldie but a goodie worth repeating again and again!

Lin said...

Hee! Hee! I'm going through this whole process daily as Grace (the cat, NOT the blogger) is on 6 full weeks of antibiotic. Yeah....fun for us both. NOT!

Pricilla said...

How true

Mike Golch said...

yep,we went through that with one of our cats.

Mike Golch said...

THIS SO GETTING SWIPED FOR A FUTURE POSTING.

Sharkbytes said...

oh yeah

~E said...

I am glad I didn't have to give my cats meds but I dread that time.

Janet at New Moon Glass said...

I love that one too!...

Langley Cornwell said...

That's hilarious. I'm babysitting a cat right now that needs a pill every morning. This is sooooo true!

http://canidaepetfood.blogspot.com/

Helene said...

Awww too funny. Love that!

WillOaks Studio said...

Been there, done that--this is the best summary I've seen though!! Bwa-ha-ha--Red Kitty is MUCH stronger than I am....

Porch Days said...

We have to wrap the cat in a towel or folded sheet to control the legs that lash out and scratch. They always spit the pill out just when you think you have had success. Last night I put the pill in a teaspoon of water and tipped it down Big Guy's throat. He was just diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and will need 1/2 a pill twice a day. This morning we crushed it into his canned food and thank God, he ate it. Can't imagine that struggle twice a day. Two of our other cats are diabetic and get two shots a day. Ain't old age great for cats as well as people! Our fourth cat is 18!

Lin said...

Porch Days--Ask your vet (or go online) for a "pill shooter". It is a long stick-like thing with a soft rubber tip where you can stick in a pill. Then you push the end and it pushes the pill into the kitties throat. It doesn't really shoot the pill, but it gets wayyyy back there. It is nice because there is no struggle--it is long enough to get to the back of their throats.

Believe me, this works like a dream. Grace had to take pills for 8 weeks straight and we didn't mess up once. Every pill went right down. Good luck!